I spent a lot of time struggling with my identity. I never thought I fit the role, but of course, looking around, no one does! Every mom I know is doing amazing and interesting things, we’re just doing it in bits and pieces interwoven with our daily lives instead of having any separation between what we do and who we are.
Super cool reversible morning/bedtime chart!
I’m so excited to introduce you to an mentor of mine, Kerry! She has been a SAHM for 11 years and shares with us some lessons learned along the way. As a new SAHM, I LOVE to glean advice from those further down the path. As a side note, Kerry shared this super awesome reversible chart that hangs around her clock, to improve their morning and bedtime routines. This invention of hers has totally taken the hassle out of most mornings/bedtimes. So genies, don’t you think?! I’ll share more about that this weekend:-). Now…to meet Kerry!
Q) What was your career before becoming a full-time parent, and tell us a bit about your family.
A) I was working at the Early Childhood Project, a statewide organization that supports the career development of child care workers and preschool teachers. I gave workshops and collected data on early childhood professionals, basically teaching the teacher. I had just finished coordinating the state Early Learning Guidelines (what children ages 3-5 need to know, understand, and be able to do) and had introduced them around the state hugely pregnant with my first child. I now have two children, both boys, who are 11 and 7 years old. My husband owns his own manufacturing business, and we have lived in Bozeman since 1996.
I don’t think I would have reached the profound emotional connection with the world around me without them. I like how they have stretched me and changed me.
Q) What do you miss most about life before kids? & What are some of your favorite things about life with kids.
A) The thing I miss most about life before kids is being able to do things in the manner and order that I would prefer. There’s no more waiting around for inspiration to tackle a project – it either needs to get done or it doesn’t. I can’t feel my way through my days, I now plow through them. My favorite thing about having kids is that life is infused with a depth and meaning it didn’t have before. I think I could have been happy without kids, but I don’t think I would have reached the profound emotional connection with the world around me without them. I like how they have stretched me and changed me.
Every mom I know is doing amazing and interesting things, we’re just doing it in bits and pieces interwoven with our daily lives instead of having any separation between what we do and who we are.
Q) What’s the hardest part about being a SAHM (stay-at-Home Mom)?
A) It used to be accepting the fact that I WAS a SAHM. I spent a lot of time struggling with my identity. I never thought I fit the role, but of course, looking around, no one does! Every mom I know is doing amazing and interesting things, we’re just doing it in bits and pieces interwoven with our daily lives instead of having any separation between what we do and who we are. I am much more content with the idea of expressing myself in the world in a variety of ways and not getting compensated for it. Now the hardest part for me is feeling locked into all the ways I’ve made myself indispensable around the house. With my boys growing up, I need to consciously start divvying up responsibilities a lot more evenly, and allowing myself time to cultivate my own interests.
It was more than a year of sleepless nights and non-stop days, and there were so many times I envied my husband who got to leave the house to work for those 8 hours every day.
Q) Have you ever thought, “Gosh, I can’t do this?” and why?
A) Yes, absolutely! When my first child was only a few months old, he was diagnosed with severe food sensitivities, and then, probably partly because of his discomfort, he developed very difficult sleep patterns. I remember leaving a coffee shop crying when a friend of a friend told her “It’s been more than four months, he really should be sleeping through the night by now” and mine was a couple of months older than him! It was more than a year of sleepless nights and non-stop days, and there were so many times I envied my husband who got to leave the house to work for those 8 hours every day. I really had a breakdown when my oldest turned 5 and my youngest was still a toddler. With one heading off to kindergarten, I felt that my role as mom was losing some of its importance, and yet I still saw no end in sight to the diapers and naps and tantrums ahead of me. I couldn’t find anything to celebrate about this transition and it hit me hard.
Q) How do you get through the tough moments/days? What helps you the most?
A) It was so hard when the kids were very young, because it seems like you’re living just one long, unending day, but now I do have the luxury of promising myself that tomorrow will be better. I am also much better about asking for help than I was before, and lowering my standards when it’s obvious that nothing’s going to go right on any particular day. Ordering in doesn’t feel like the failure I used to make it out to be. In general, I am much more forgiving of myself.
Don’t try to get everything “right” because there is no such thing. Listen to your inner voice and approach your life as a whole person, knowing that when you show up as your whole self your children will benefit…
Q) What advice would you give to a new ex-career mom regarding how to most enjoy (or get the most out of) being a SAHM?
A) Don’t try to get everything “right” because there is no such thing. Listen to your inner voice and approach your life as a whole person, knowing that when you show up as your whole self your children will benefit, even if that means you need to get out and do something for yourself, or volunteer/do work for others, in order to feel like yourself. Your kids don’t need a perfect parent, and they don’t need your physical presence as much as they need YOU to be fully there when you’re there. And understand that you will change and grow just like your kids, so don’t just grab for anything, allow yourself time and space to find what makes you hum!
To hear more from Kerry, check out her recent TedTalk from Tedx Bozeman! Go to this link: TEDx Bozeman 2015 on Livestream & Scroll to 4:06:45. You’ll be glad you did!
In the past month my little wonderful two year-old has been more two than wonderful. Having a new little sister arrive has undoubtedly been influencing some of his behaviors, but I also think he has just hit a stage of development were he has a deep need for lots of large motor movement. After I had a couple rough days in a row with him, I spent an evening trying to “get curious, not furious” (as a mentor of mine, John Sommers-Flannagan, once said).
So, we decided to have as much outside and large motor movement activities as possible for the next few days to see if it impacted his behavior. It did!
