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When my patience ran out…I cried

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confessions of a 1st time momSo, recent posts have been about fun, but I have to confess, today was not fun at all.  Today was one of the hardest days I’ve had as a parent.  Maybe you can relate.

The ingredients for the perfect storm:

  • sick_baby_mom_crying

    This is how I spent 3 full days (even NYE)

    My husband was sick in bed all day.

  • Chunky Monkey had a fever the last 2 1/2 days, following his 12 month immunization shots (but fever was now gone).
  • CM had developed cold symptoms and was craaaaanky and neeeeedy.

To deal with all these factors, I had basically been holding my 25 pound 1-year old in the ergo all day for the past 2 1/2 days.  Of course having him in the carrier gives us wonderful bonding/connection time BUT… he is heavy! So, it was wearing me out physically to maintain this for ANOTHER full day today.

So, today involved me holding him in the ergo with occasional breaks where I could convince him to tolerate playing with a toy for a bit (of course only if he was absolutely 100% on my lap.  If I even tried to put him 1 inch in front of me, on the ground, he would start to scream).  Argh! My patience was getting shorter and shorter as the day wore on.  And even though my husband was legitimately sick, it’s still of a rare form of torture to be forced to watch someone spend the whole day in bed while you don’t get even a moment’s break to yourself.

Around 4pm, I was really starting to loose my patience.  Physically and emotionally it reminded me of the 12th mile of my last 1/2 marathon (*It was 7 years ago, so the memory is a little faint).  My mind was saying “I don’t think I can make it to the end.  I’m gonna have to stop and walk”, but another part of me said, “You can do this.  Just keep taking it one step at a time”.

On this frustrating day, everything in me wanted to give up and felt way past the “end” of my rope.  So I decided to just give up on dinner and nurse him and then hope I could entice him to play for a while, stalling basically until bath time. *By the way, thank GOD for bath time.  Some days its the only thing that gets me through tough evenings because he is usually super happy.  Well, I was staring desperately at the clock, knowing I still had at least a 1/2 hour till bath time. The only position that didn’t result in CM screaming was for him to be standing up, with me sitting on the floor, and his arms around my neck.  Only this time he had decided to take a hold of my hair for support, instead of my shoulder. As he yanked down (not on purpose), I tried to muster out a patient-voiced “Please don’t pull Mommies hair”, while moving his hand. It took the very last ounce of energy I had left and the shear exhaustion sent me into a shoulder-shaking sob.  Now, you have to know I have only cried the shoulder-shaking sob like 3 times in my life (that I’m aware of).  Hmmm….my husband might say differently.  But anyway, I cried for a few minutes.  To tell you the truth, it didn’t even feel good like crying sometimes can.  It was just a total burst of the flood gates I had tried to keep held together for so many hours.

The end of the story? I made it.  I soon decided to do an early bath time so I could get relief from being his 100% source of entertainment, and he went to bed.  I hope tomorrow is better.  This mommy job can be a tough one!

If you can relate to this, I’d love to hear your story.

 

 

 

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  • Jen Buchanan

    Oh and PS you are not “just”. Your that boys first love, biggest cheerleader, nourishment, emotional support, and his hero. That is a lot more than “just”.

    • Flora

      Thank you So much for your comments Jen! Wow. Going through the seizures with your oldest sounds really hard. Kudos to you for being a strong mom and getting through it. I loved your comment about the “just”. I completely agree. Check out my “about me” page and I think you will understand better why I used that title.:-)

  • Jen Buchanan

    Oh momma!!! We have all been there and this probably won’t be the last time for you. We have the hardest job. I have had moments where everything feels like it is falling apart and I sat in my car and cried while my baby also cried because I felt like I did not know what to do. The only thing that can prepare you for these moments is practice. Lots and lots of practice. Because once you got those babies figured out they throw you for a loop (and dad still need all our love and attention too!) My oldest has had febrile seizures since I stopped nursing. He only has had 4 but the times I had to watch his little body go through that were the worst in my life. But we get seasoned, we lean on our other mom friends, and we get through it stronger in the end. Good for you for putting it out there. We all have these moments and it is because we LOVE so hard and so much.

    The best thing I ever did was go ahead and have another kid. Somehow the second time around you feel like you can make it work. Even though two sounds harder, for my ego and my confidence it actually has made it easier to be a mom. Just wait until Kindergarten! It is bitter sweet!! xoxoxo Take care my friend!

  • Andrea

    I can relate! Being a mom is so many emotions and experiences bundled together that it can sometimes be overwhelming. I have days where I feel like I earned a big fail in nurture, and then a little smile or love comes my way. I also remember what it feels like to just want your mom (and still have those moments). And, I am the mom. I try to take these frustrations as a reminder that I am blessed. A reminder that others would give anything to be a mom and be frustrated with tiny people who belong to them and call them mom.
    CM is a lucky little man to have such a loving momma. We will have more of these days, but know that you are not alone!

    • Flora

      Thank you so much Andrea. Your words of wisdom and encouragement are so wonderful. It is so nice to feel a sense of many mammas “in this together”.

  • Larry Pacewicz

    Hi flora. Wow…can I relate! I remember when I had 2 under 2 and I felt like things were crumbling around me. I was a stay at home dad for 18 years and it was a lot of ups and downs but for as much as I would just get in the shower and cry, I would not trade it for anything…..just remember that you are being the best mom you can be and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For the ages 17 and up its a ray of sunshine but for now look at it as a train coming straight at you and you just have to duck and dodge for a while. Either way life is good and keep up the mommy work, it does get way better.
    Love to you and your husband and especially that sweet baby

    • Flora

      Thank you so much Larry. And it is encouraging to hear this from you because I always admired what a great and REAL parent you were – always willing to share the highs and lows. I so appreciate and miss you!

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Author: FLORA

I am a new post-career SAHM, living in Bozeman Montana. I share stories and ideas from parenting with a Montessori and Positive Discipline inspired perspective. Also, I LOVE DIY projects and finding great ways to use thrift store or hand-made toys for my little one.
Learn more about why I say I'm "Just" a stay-at-home mom.

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