I absolutely love Positive Discipline! Click here to visit Positive Discipline. If you haven’t checked out any of their books or website – do it now! They have the best advice (in my opinion) for how to help behaviors in a way that is kind AND firm at the same time.
Positive Discipline Tool Card about Validating Feelings
Today, I want to share some ideas on how to help a 1-year-old when they are starting to cry or scream about something they don’t like (using Positive Discipline’s “Validate Feelings” tool card. I don’t know about your child, but mine cries often over very small things. If he could talk, he would likely be saying things like, “I don’t want to sit there”, “I hate putting my coat on”, “I don’t want to get in the car”, “I’m not sitting in this high chair”!
Since he can’t talk, he screams or cries. Recently I read something that totally helped me understand this better. Crying is most of the time a form of communication for children 1-2 years old. It doesn’t mean you have to stop what you are asking them to do (unless it’s a cry about physical pain), or give in to their plea for a cookie, etc . Just try to translate what the cry really means into words. So, if he is crying, I stop myself from responding “don’t cry about this,”, because that would be like saying, “Stop telling me you are frustrated with this.”
Instead, seek to hear their cry as a way to communicate frustration and then respond accordingly with empathy and firmness:
“Oh boy. You are frustrated that we are getting shoes on right now. You do not like putting shoes on. I hear that (while child is crying screaming). It’ ok to be frustrated. Take a minute to just be frustrated about that. I’m here. I’ll give you a hug. I don’t like doing things sometimes too.” Meanwhile, I pause the putting-on-shoes process to just connect with a hug, cuddle and soft voice, hoping my calmness can wear off on my child. Usually this works to calm his cries screams within 1-2minutes.
In a moment of screaming 1-2 minutes can feel like FOREVER, but it’s really worth the wait. It’s not that long at all when you think of the lifelong benefit you are giving your child, helping him to feel their feelings are valid and helping them understand and manage their emotions.
Empathy has the power to really take the sting out of most difficult situations. It doesn’t make it perfect. The child isn’t going to smile and say, “Ok. I am completely happy now about getting my shoes on”. BUT, they are more likely to be able to move past the emotion to a level of calmness where you can distract them with something else to focus on and move forward. Once that initial flare-up has died down, I then say something like, “Here. Could you hold my keys and be a helper?” (while then putting the shoes on).
Hope you see great results!
**Disclaimer: Remember, this is not a 1-time fix. This is a tool to use over and over again throughout the tantrums years for better results towards helping your child understand and manage their emotions. Expect to repeat these steps 5-20+ times a day (depending on the day!);-) Would love to help you trouble-shoot if you aren’t seeing it help your 1-year-old’s tantrums.